Thank you for your question. I appreciate your honesty and candor. And I also appreciate that you want to have a civil discussion about these matters. Too many people (on both sides of the religious fence) throw stones first, and ask questions later....if they ask at all.
I've always believed in God, even as a child growing up in a home where religion was not stressed. (My father was a Muslim and my mother was Catholic. Neither practiced their religions.) I don't know why I believed; I just never questioned that there was a God.
By the time I was 15, I was old enough to start questioning the existence of God in light of things I was being taught in school. For me, it all hinged on the person of Jesus Christ. The problem, you see, is that he is a real historical figure. He existed in time and space. He walked this earth. And while he did, he did some pretty amazing things in the name of God as a demonstration of Love.
The Bible records the following about Jesus: He healed sick, blind and lame people, he walked on water, he cast demons out of some people, he raised a man from the dead, he shook up the religious establishment and challenged their hearts and minds, he fed 5,000 people with only a few fish and loaves of bread, he loved the unlovables, he refused to condemn or exclude women, and he was beat to a pulp, tied to a cross, and hung up on a hillside to die a hideously painful and humiliating death. (Crucifixion was the cruelest, worst form of capital punishment the Romans had ever devised.) Before he was tortured and killed, he made a statement about himself that demands our attention. He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life; no one can come to the Father except through me."
Okay...that's pretty darned controversial!
After studying about the life of Jesus, I had to come to a conclusion about this man. He had to be one of three things:
1) A lunatic - He had to have been off his rocker. He had to be delusional thinking he was the only way to God...heck! that he was *any* way to God! The only problem with this is that he wasn't crazy. He was a deep, rational thinker. He oftentimes spoke in parables and riddles as a way to teach spiritual lessons. He knew the Law inside and out. He challenged the Pharisees (religious leaders) on their assumptions about God, and how they interpreted and applied Scripture to everyday life. He pointed out their legalism, contrasting their outward religious conformity with hearts motivated by love for God and love for others. And he alluded to his life as the fulfillment of prophesy with regard to the Messiah. A study of prophesy caused me to conclude that his life did, in fact, fit what was foretold about the coming Messiah. The four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) are basically 4 accounts of Jesus' life, told from 4 different points of view, but all in agreement with each other regarding major details. Long story short, there was too much first-hand testimony about Jesus...too much agreement about his character and person, for me to conclude he's crazy. So, perhaps he was....
2) A Liar - This would mean that everything he ever said about himself was a lie. Everything he did in the name of God was fraudulent. It would also mean that every prophesy concerning the coming Messiah was *coincidentally* aligned with the life of Christ. Let's run with this scenario for a minute. Let's say Jesus was in fact a liar. He deceived thousands of people immediately around him...and millions upon millions of people throughout the millennia. He did it willfully and with intent to bring false glory to himself. History is full of people who have made false claims about themselves, to the detriment of those who follow them. But if Jesus were a liar, then it begs the question: Why on earth would he carry out the lie to the point of the most hideous, most torturous death ever devised by man? The Jews asked him numerous times who he was and gave him opportunity to retract his claims of deity. Pontius Pilate (the Roman procurator at the time), gave him several opportunities to answer for himself. He gave Jesus every opportunity to confess his lie and, thereby, save himself from a gruesome death. Make no mistake, Jesus knew what was to come. Everyone in that society at that time knew what crucifixion was and who it was reserved for. Yet he kept silent when he had the opportunity to save himself. He went to the cross, broken, bloodied, beaten to a pulp, was nailed to planks of wood and raised up to be the laughing stock of the town. And yet he remained silent...until he uttered these words, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."
No man would be so stupid or so vain that he would suffer torture and a hideous death all for the sake of perpetrating a lie. If his goal was to lie for self-glorification, then it was a very bad plan. People spat upon him, tore out his beard, kicked and pummelled him, called him bad names. Where's the glory in that?
So, having ruled these two options out, I was faced with the conclusion that Jesus could only be one thing.
3) Lord. He was and is who he claimed himself to be. The Alpha and Omega...the Beginning and the End. The Messiah who saves the world from sin. I was compelled to study more, and in so doing, was compelled to give my life over to Christ.
It's all about Jesus. His life, his ministry, his reason for being. I couldn't ignore the historical facts. (A great book to peruse is "Evidence That Demands a Verdict." by Josh McDowell. It's a collection of historical evidences - - including secular corroborating accounts independent of the Bible - - that support Christ's existence and claims.)
This is why I believe what I do. The intervening years from 15 to now have been filled with further study of Scripture, both Old and New Testaments, that have served to deepen my understanding of God and reinforce my decision to trust Christ as Savior and Lord. I hope this helps you to understand. If you want to discuss any of this further, please let me know. I'll send you my email address.
Thanks again for your thoughtful question.
P.S. I don't think of myself as "religious." I have a relationship with God the Father, through Jesus. It's not about rules and "don'ts." It's about loving God first, then loving others. That's what it boils down to. The rest is conversation.