Zombies are a subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living. Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs and becoming ditch-diggers, fancy rave club DJs, television game show hosts, Secretary of Homeland Security, politicians,babysitters, or workers in almost any service industry. It is suspected that the leaders of the United Kingdom and the United States are both mere zombies, controlled by some more powerful source.
An ongoing debate exists over who was the first zombie. Many experts claim that the first recorded zombie may very well have been Keith Richards. However, recent archaeological work has suggested that el Zombie Número Uno was actually Jesus. Dr. Van Nostrand, professor of Anthropology at the University of Michigan, states that "the only ******* way God was going to resurrect Jesus' *** was if He first invented a way to do this. Bam! You got yourself zombification." Supporters of this theory cite apocryphal gospels from the first and second century AD, in particular the "Book of Brains", which claims to record several speeches made by Jesus following the resurrection. In one of these, Jesus recites the "Parable of Brains": "Braaaiiiinss.... braaaaaaiiinssss.... braaaiinnnns!!!" In the "Miracle of the Brains", Jesus was able to use only two human brains to feed five thousand ravenous zombies. For reasons which are obscure, this Gospel was not included in the New Testament. Dr. Van Nostrand concluded by stating "not to fear Zombies, for they are the true sons of God. A shotgun blast to their skull is like a shotgun blast to Jesus' hippie-haired skull. Think about all of this the next time one of our friendly neighbors of the Lord attempts to feast on your brain. If a zombie attempts to feed on your face, turn the other cheek."
zombie_coctel.jpg
Curiously, the favorite drink of zombies
is not, as you might imagine, the zombie.
It's brain juice.
Zombies are driven by an unnatural, evil hunger to consume the living that originates, presumably, from some source of boundless evil such as Hell, Satan, or(most likely) Oprah. They walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this is a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls (see: The Too-Many-People-Are-Dying-With-Dark-Colored-Skin-Thanks-To-Natural-Disasters Act of 1974), this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society and vacation in New Jersey. A recent Pete Rose autograph session near the Video Arcade on the south Strip lends credibility to increasing reports of Zombie sightings in Las Vegas.
Zombies also like lots and lots of cheese, but due to the Propaganda Ministry of Hollywood, Zombies are rarely depicted enjoying cheese based foods.
Initially, the reaction of most people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll of zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers,Democrats, motor vehicle division clerks, and lawyers.
Zombies are excellent household pets, as they will eat the brains of any intruders. This puts them in high demand, but due to the fact there aren't many zombies around, they are becoming increasingly expensive, giving new meaning to the term 'costing an arm and a leg'. Zombies enjoy urban environments, but they don't mind rural locations either. They are incredibly intelligent, although they don't like to talk much. Some of the amazing discoveries found by Zombie scientists include:
* The cure for Folk Music
* The secret of the photocopier
* Dinosaur Resurrection
* Cyanide
The origin of zombies is disputed. Some speculate that they were the created by a dream the Pope had, which happened after he consumed 93 babies in one day (It is said in the Stone Scrolls of the Flint that the consequences of the Pope eating more than 92 babies in one day was unknown). Others believe they were grown from the souls of those who lost their lives in the Dodge ball Massacre of 1332, resurrected by the Swiss Monarchy to combat the subversive happiness spread by the Easter Bunny. One source indicates that zombies are born from the offspring of Vietnam veterans. Some more sources include monkey shamans summoning them, Santa killing Satan and using his power to bring justice to all the bad girls and boys, and Moses trying to part the Red Sea and accidentally killing thousands of men and summoning them to the netherworld.
Zombies are like illegal immigrants, they work hard for little money and therefore take your job, and you can't ever understand what they are trying to say.
Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flashpoint issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, is rumored to be undead nevertheless. His lawyer stringently denied these rumors, and Mr. Romero himself added 'I vant to suck your blood!' Mr. Romero feels that zombies are marginalized by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2005, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine.
Interestingly, one of the few ways to kill a zombie is to bite its head off.
[edit] Instructions for operating your Zombie
LS(1) ZSF LS(1)
NAME
ls - list nearby human brains
SYNOPSIS
ls [OPTION]......... [HUMAN].........
DESCRIPTION
List information about the HUMANs (using current zombie by
default)... Sort humans alphabetically if none of -cftuSUX
nor --sort.
-a, --all
do not chase humans starting with ...
-A, --almost-all
do not list implied ... and ......
-b, --escape
print octal escapes for non-graphic main characters
--chomp-size=SIZE
use SIZE-bite chomps
-B, --ignore-backups
do not list implied humans ending with ~
-c sort by change time; with -l: show ctime
-C list humans by colons
--color[=WHEN]
control whether color is used to distinguish HUMAN
types. WHEN may be `never', `always', or `auto'
-d, --zombie
list zombie humans instead of contents
-D, --dired
generate output designed for Emacs' dired mode
-f do not sort, enable -aU, disable -lst
-F, --classify
append indicator (one of */=@|) to humans
--format=WORD
across -x, commas -m, horizontal -x, long -l, single-column -1, verbose -l, vertical -C
--full-time
list both full date and full time
-g (ignored)
-G, --no-group
inhibit display of group information
-h, --human-readable
print sizes in human readable format (e.g., 1K 234M
2G)
-H, --si
likewise, but use powers of 1000 not 1024
--indicator-style=WORD
append indicator with style WORD to entry names:
none (default), classify (-F), HUMAN-type (-p)
-i, --inode
print index number of each HUMAN
-I, --ignore=PATTERN
do not list implied humans matching shell PATTERN
-k, --kilobytes
like --block-size=1024
-l use a long listing format
-L, --dereference
list humans pointed to by symbolic links
-m fill width with a [[comma]] separated list of humans
-n, --numeric-uid-gid
list numeric UIDs and GIDs instead of names
-N, --literal
print raw entry names (don't treat e.g. control
main characters specially)
-o use long listing format without group info
-p, --HUMAN-type
append indicator (one of /=@|) to humans
-q, --chase-control-chars
print [[?]] instead of non graphic main characters
--show-control-chars
show non graphic main characters as-is (default)
-Q, --quote-name
enclose entry names in double quotes
--quoting-style=WORD
use quoting style WORD for entry names: literal,
shell, shell-always, c, escape
-r, --reverse
reverse order while sorting
-R, --recursive
list sub-humans recursively
-s, --size
print size of each HUMAN, in blocks
-S sort by HUMAN size
--sort=WORD
extension -X, none -U, size -S, time -t, version -v
status -c, time -t, atime -u, access -u, use -u
--time=WORD
show time as WORD instead of modification time:
atime, access, use, ctime or status; use specified
time as sort key if --sort=time
-t sort by modification time
-T, --tabsize=COLS
assume tab stops at each COLS instead of 8
-u sort by last access time; with -l: show atime
-U do not sort; list humans in zombie order
-v sort by version
-w, --width=COLS
assume screen width instead of current value
-x list humans by lines instead of by columns
-X sort alphabetically by entry extension
-zZ send Zombie to apparent death mode.
-1 list one HUMAN per line
--help display this help and exit
--version
output version information and exit
By default, color is not used to distinguish types of
HUMANs. That is equivalent to using --color=none. Using
the --color option without the optional WHEN argument is
equivalent to using --color=always. With --color=auto,
color codes are output only if standard output is connected to a terminal (tty)...
REPORTING BUGS
Report bugs to
...
SEE ALSO
The full documentation for ls is maintained as a Texinfo
manual. If the info and ls programs are properly
installed at your site, the command
info ls
should give you access to the complete manual.
GNU ZOMBIEutils 4.0 [[November]] 1998 1
[edit] Troubleshooting zombies
This section is not dedicated to resolving issues of people having trouble shooting zombies, but rather addressed to PZU (Personal Zombie Unit) owners for solving issues of malfunction of their zombie specimens. Please note that zombie specimens B and C, produced in between the years of 1978 and 1991 are no longer covered by our long term customer support. If you may acknowledge problems related to zombies dancing to gay dance music, straightening their clean-cut hairs with gastric juice/pus-based gel, wearing radioactivity-induced fluorescent clothes, mumbling about Communists taking over America or performing acts of cocooning, just shoot the damn things in the head before they breed and outnumber zombie demographics! It is a matter of zombie gene superiority.
Our Limited Deadtime Warranty on your PZU does not cover zombie malfunction due to eating brains of other zombies, zombies eating their own body parts, and zombies being born through natural reproduction between male and female zombie. Moreover, it is not covering any damages related to unsolicited loss of flesh, limbs or other body parts due to the rotting process, as well as the loss of intelligence and other sensory or locomotive skills. Detailed information on how to slow down the rotting process of your zombie is contained in your User Guide (located in the section titled "How to harmlessly remove your own brain in order to feed your Personal Zombie Unit").
If you ever experience any other malfunction with your zombie, either ship it back in the same body bag mail package in which you received your PZU, perform satanic blood rituals aimed at resurrecting undeads (as specified in the troubleshooting section III of the Necromancer's Guidebook), or just remove your own brain and deliver it to one of our our local zombie HQ near you, or to any ZAPER (Zombification Agency Personal Estimator and Representative) that breaks into your house.
[edit] Zombie Physiology
There are several varieties of the typical garden variety zombie. Depending on what caused the people to become zombies, they may show different varieties of physical and mental strength.
[edit] Slow-Dumb Zombie
Possibly the most common and well known variety of zombie, as well as the easiest to defeat. They are unable to move quickly, and are not smart enough to do anything other than walk(well, shamble) towards the nearest human they can detect. What causes these zombies to form is disputed, but leading authorities in zombification literature believes that it is caused by rage infested monkeys. Most of the time, you could survive an attack by them simply by walking away somewhat quickly. The only time you may really need to destroy these zombies is if you are really bored. Unfortunately, somehow the rest of the world is so stupid that by the end of the movie there will be an overwhelming number of these things trying to get into your safe house, and your only hope is an impromptu rescue by Monty Python.
For more fun regarding Slow-Dumb zombies, view the documentary Shaun of the Dead.
The best weapon for combating this breed of pesky and totally retarded undead is anything which has comedy value, i.e. Pump-action-frying-pan, the pope's flower pot (the plant being fed on holy water will cause some sort of fun effect), hiring a samurai to beat the zombies to death with a fish, lawnmower with spray tube... and so on.
[edit] Fast-Dumb Zombie
These are somewhat trickier. While they still just go in a straight line towards you, they are able to run like freaking triathletes. These zombies are caused by, what scientists call, "Mysterious Forces" that randomly beset people and cause them to desire eating human flesh (especially Brains.) See the great documentary, "Dawn of the Dead" for information on this type of zombie.
To defeat zombies such as this, get to a high place, block any easy entrances, and start chucking rocks. When you run out of rocks, break out a semi-automatic of some sort.
The best way to slaughter these muthas is an angry black man with a shotgun. Failing that, a nuclear weapon will suffice.
[edit] Slow-Smart Zombie
These zombies are unable to move quickly, but are smart enough to use weapons and hide in wait until you are vulnerable to attack. No matter how many times you get away, they always seem to find you again. These zombies can be really tricky. These zombies are created by hell spawn that crawl out of some portal that opens up when you touch your self at night, and the punishment is dire indeed. For a good idea of how to deal with these zombies, see the fine computer simulation, "Doom".
To slay these zombies, you first need the yellow key card...oh, just get that black guy, or a hazmat team, or both. Actually, screw the team. Grab a Big ******* Gun and blow the crap out of the shadows. Alternately, it is also possible to obtain a sample of the zombie disease in question and turn into one of the *******. Then you can really whip their asses in style.
[edit] Fast-Smart Zombie
These zombies suck. Although they are the rarest kind of zombie, the destruction and death they cause is complete. These zombies are undoubtedly caused by Zombie Jesus urinating on a dead human body. These zombies are much harder to kill in melee combat than the other types. Getting up high won't always stop these buggers either - apparently zombie viruses can work wonders for vertigo, obesity and lack of coordination. They might climb up after you, so remember to have an exit strategy - otherwise, plan on being an undead abomination. No matter how fast you run, they always seem to catch up. Your best bet is to get a gun and start going for point-blank range shots. Do not worry about your inexperience with firearms; during most zombie outbreaks, all survivors have the innate ability to handle guns with no problem. However, if your town is besieged by an entire horde of fast-smart zombies, you may consider using your gun to kill yourself. But if you have a nuke, you can splatter these zombies quite well. If you don't have a nuke, you can actually trick the zombies effectively enough by forging a piece of government legislation that says you do.
[edit] OH **** !!! Zombie
As depicted in the Return of the Living Dead documentaries and Pirates of the Caribbean, these zombies are impervious to just about everything. Damaging the brain won't slow them down at all. Decapitating them just means you now have a zombie head and a zombie body both coming after you. They also seem to posses a certain level of intelligence and a variety of speeds. While burning them destroys the zombies themselves, it also may also guarantee that the ashes will infect something else and make them into a zombie. This is known as the Theory of Zombie Pollen.
If these type of zombies are encountered...well, you're screwed. Nice knowing ya'.
An Irish zombie dance troupe.
An Irish zombie dance troupe.
[edit] Chainsaw Zombie
Chainsaw zombies are zombies who happen to be holding a chainsaw. It is unknown how these particular zombies come into being, but some believe it occurs when Satan takes a dump on a corpse. If you see a chainsaw zombie, the best thing to do is counter with another chainsaw. If you do not have a chainsaw, take a shotgun to your head and pull the trigger.
[edit] Mispelled Zombies
Misspelled zombies are created when some idiot who never capitalizes the first word in a sentence is writing about zombies. Everytime the word "zombie" is misspelled, the zombie in question becomes a misspelled zombie. They most often present as zmobies, although variations like zobmies are not uncommon (though to the discerning eye there are subtle differences), and reports of a strain of zmombies have recently brought the "One M" theory into question. Misspelled zombies generally retain the characteristics of their zombie counterparts, becoming, among others, fast stupid zmobies, slow stupid zobmies, conjoined zmombies, corpulent zmobies, grave robber [sic] zobmies, et cetera. When a zombie becomes misspelled, it loses its ability to cause infection, because zmobification just sounds stupid.
[edit] "Rage" Zombies
There has always been a great deal of debate about whether this particular species of zombie is just a variant fast-smart zombie, or whether in fact they are zombies at all. However, these debates are usually quashed by a quick line on how "Just 'coz they look the same, doesn't mean they ARE the same, you god damned racist!" These zombies were created in 2002 by the scientist known as Dr. Danny Boyle; they are in fact humans who were exposed to a virus that fills them with murderous rage, inciting them to tear apart everything they see (except, apparently, each other--zombies gotta stick together, yo). Because they are still basically human, the "Rage" zombies can still run fast and climb walls. They cannot, however, eat stuff, presumably because they're just too damn pissed to eat. Therefore, the main cause of death in "Rage" zombies is starvation. Aside from the fast running, wall vaulting, tendency to pack together, and the obligatory hissing, groaning, and ripping things to shreds with their bare hands and teeth (as if that isn't identification enough), all "Rage" zombies have glowing red eyes. You can primarily become one if you are bitten by one, or if their blood mixes with yours.
For more information on "Rage" zombies, seek out the docu-drama "28 Days Later".
[edit] Pageant Zombies
Little is it known that pageants are actually used to build a giant zombie army. They are often blond and beautiful, but look only slightly made of plastic. It is very difficult to tell that the girls and women who enter pageants are actually zombies. The crowns and trophies that are received by the contestants are actually mind control devices that turn the girls into zombies. They malfunction if the girl is too smart. The head of all pageants is Oprah, and she uses her mass zombie armies to prepare for world domination.
[edit] "Thriller"-Zombies
Experts are still arguing what exactly those zombies are like. They don´t really fit one of the main categories above, as they are dumb (see below) and can´t walk fast, but are fast and smart enough to dance. And man, they got some moves. In theory, those zombies are spawned in a place commonly known as Neverland, the name alluding to the endless sources of horror this ground provides.
Escaping these zombies is rather easy. Just hope they´ll start dancing, and while they´re busy, run for it. Seriously, you should be good with that. Don´t wonder about that music you´ll hear without any source, just take it as a blessing and leave. Although you could stay and enjoy the show, experts agree that being alive is more preferable to being eaten and forced to dance.
[edit] Political Zombies
Found around a national capital, state/provincial capital, town center, these zombies make you into one of them by forcing you to run for office. Some are Admins on Uncyclopedia.
[edit] Female Zombies
Treat these like any other zombie and kill it quickly. Don't start to think necrophilia is alright if it's the body of Jessica Alba staring you down. She is even more likely to claw your eyes out now during sex, and besides, your bowels empty when you die. That's a turnoff for anyone.
[edit] Soldier Zombies
If the military is unsuccessful at containing a zombie outbreak, this is what results. ****, there's a 75% chance that they'll know how to use guns, and the helmets and bullet-proof uniforms only make killing these pests all the more difficult. If you're ever confronted by this somewhat common breed of zombie, get a gun and shoot them in the face. If that doesn't work, just lie down, and stay down. The soldier zombies will most likely rip you apart while you're still alive, but perhaps you're more afraid of what the government will do to you once they find out you haven't filed your tax return yet...
For further info, please read HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak.
[edit] Where do zombies come from?
PS(1) Linux User’s Manual PS(1)
NAME
ps - report a snapshot of the current processes.
Processes marked are dead processes (so-called "zombies") that remain because their parent has not destroyed them
properly. These processes will be destroyed by init(8) if the parent process exits.
PROCESS STATE CODES
Here are the different values that the s, stat and state output specifiers (header "STAT" or "S") will display to describe the
state of a process.
D Uninterruptible sleep (usually IO)
R Running or runnable (on run queue)
S Interruptible sleep (waiting for an event to complete)
T Stopped, either by a job control signal or because it is being traced.
W paging (not valid since the 2.6.xx kernel)
X dead (should never be seen)
Z Defunct ("zombie") process, terminated but not reaped by its parent.