Firstly, you're right...
Many people use R&S as a playground; a rough and tumble place to intellectually joust with the opposition. Some are better at it than others, and use icily clever wit. A few are just grumpy trolls, and they're best avoided by everyone.
Some people ask genuine questions, and amongst the replies are usually some genuine answers. Others are sneaky preachies, who pretend to ask a genuine question, but then just use it to preach and BA a similar believer.
There are always those new to the group who will ask their brand new shiny question, except that it's been asked 12.4 zillion times before they joined. They are baffled by the massed cries of "drink!".
BTW all the above I would very much apply to theists, particularly Christians as sneaky preachies, but I don't doubt that atheists do it too.
I can only suggest that if you want a genuine answer, wear your thickest skin, ask a genuine question and just filter out the irrelevant replies.
Secondly:
I think there's a genuine gulf of incomprehension between many atheists and theists as many think of the other "how on earth can they think that way?".
Many of the attempts at understanding are clumsy, and are phrased only in terms relevant to the asker: "Atheist (singular!) - why do you hate god? Why have you no morals" sort of thing. It's not meant as a wind-up, they genuinely think they hate god and want to find out why. Conversely the other side sees it as a wind-up, and responds accordingly. Theists feel deeply there is a god, and can't understand any 'rejection', feeling it's tantamount to hatred. They take such rejection personally.
Opposite them, many atheists are baffled how people can believe such big things without any evidence. They know the stories about religious faith, geocentrism and Galileo. They see theists as being deluded, and ask probing questions to challenge these beliefs. "So, where did this god come from then? If he was always there, why couldn't the universe be always there?" sort of thing.
This is no different than atheists would ask each other about day-to-day things, a form of accountability and verification. It's not intended as an insult, but it is intended to be probing and pushing to accountability. However, many believers see this as an unwarranted attack on their beliefs, even an insult. As such they feel aggrieved and reply accordingly.
Before long, even a genuine attempt to understand has turned into a joust. Of course, with a robust attitude, a lot of understanding can come about, but you have to be able to take the knocks that go with it.
So here we have two camps, each with a very different outlook on life, the universe and everything, and how to deal with those strange creatures in the other camp. Many will be happy just to ignore them, while others will gird their armour and come to R&S tournament...