Different level of spirituality than husband. Don't feel comfortable in church, advice please.?

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Advice please. Don't feel comfortable at Church. Different spiritual level than husband, what to do?
Hello! Any advice would be appreciated, I am feeling very distraught about this. I will give a little background info but try not to make it too long.
Husband and I have been married 5 years & have 3 kids. Over last few years my husband has been very deep into his spirituality and has had a calling to get into ministry work. Recently he was given an opportunity at a local church to become the Youth Director and while doing this he would be able to obtain his credentials to become ordained, this is a dream come true to him.
I feel so very uncomfortable at this church. They scream and shout and jump up and down and fall on the floor when the pastor prays over them and the thing that I have the hardest time dealing with is that they speak in tongues, this is so very foreign to me. I have expressed this concern to my husband and he says he is fine with me not gong to church however I feel that I am not being very supportive of him if I don't go. He is very supportive of me in all that I do. Do I put my "uncomfortableness" aside and go to church? What should i do?
My husband is black and I am white, the congregation is very diverse. I grew up in a small country town and not in the church. Although I have come a long way in my spirituality I don't think I will ever be on the level my husband is. I don't know how to balance this. Any suggestions?
Thanks so much!

Answer 1

It sounds like your husband is Pentecostal and you are not. My advice is ask your husband to show you what Pentecostals believe out of the Bible. If you don't respect the Bible your relationship with your husband is likely to become strained.



Did you not know your husband was Pentecostal when you married him?



Act 2:4 And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.



Act 2:37 Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said unto Peter and to the rest of the apostles, Men and brethren, what shall we do?

Act 2:38 Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Act 2:39 For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call.

Act 2:40 And with many other words did he testify and exhort, saying, Save yourselves from this untoward generation.

Answer 2

Every Christian has their own unique relationship with God, you don't have to be like anyone else. Be honest with yourself and God and don't worry. He's not going to hurry you up or push you if you're not ready.



I come to this question from the opposite side of the coin than you're on. My husband isn't on the same wavelength as I am. For a while he stopped coming to church altogether and I had to be ok with that. I had been very involved in ministry and eventually let go of my commitments because I couldn't even talk about that aspect of my life anymore.



I'm not saying you should ask your husband to do these things for you, but I wanted to relate my story because these things happen. Eventually my husband returned to church, in his own time, I'm only involved on a small scale, and he reserves the right to go only when he really wants to.



My best advice is to communicate what your needs are. Hopefully you guys can come to an agreement that you're both happy with!



God bless!

Answer 3

First let me assure you that you can become as spiritual as your husband. We are all growing in the Lord, and that is something that just never stops happening, at least we hope.

You should be supportive of your husband. My husband and I are on different levels of spirituality as well, but if you study together, you can teach each other so much.

As far as the kind of church you attend, it sounds like Pentecostal or something similar. I actually consider myself a Bapticostal. I have to say that I have never attended one of those churches, but I think I would love to do so. Speaking in tongues is a spiritual gift. The bible tells us it is the least of the gifts, meaning that it is the most prevalent. So speaking in tongues should not make you uncomforable, however the Bible also tells us that it should be done with an interpreter so that all will understand. This is different than just prayer language in which the Holy Spirit prays for you, because he does know what you need more than you do.

I guess the best thing to do would be to pray. Ask God to help you with your uncomforable feeling, because God likes to get us out of our comfort zone to test our faith. I am afraid that if you don't buckle down and see this through that it might drive a wedge in your family. Don't let this happen. Stand by your husband, and rest assured that he is making the best choices for himself and his family. Praise God for the wonderful opportunity he has give your husband. God Bless and Good Luck.

Answer 4

It has nothing to do with levels of spirituality. This kind of church just happens to be his thing, and not your thing. There is nothing inherently good or bad about the way either of your feel, so there is no self-judgement necessary on your part! He is not more spiritual than you just because he's very active in church, and you are not less spiritual than him just because you prefer to pray quietly. It's not a contest, you're just different people and that is okay.



Since marriage is ideally supposed to be a compromise, maybe you could look for a church you feel comfortable with and then suggest that you two switch off weeks. If he doesn't want to do that, there nothing wrong with a husband and wife attending different churches and having different interests, as you are both individuals. You didn't give up your identity when you got married! Just think of your marriage as "interfaith," and find a church which works for you.

Answer 5

Hang in there, support him by praying for him while he is ministering, whether at church or at home. Pray for encouragement, protection, in freedom for healing to happen to those who need - the Holy Spirit is peeling off layers of stone from individuals who are being touched deeply and feel the Holy Spirit in action. It is incredible and truly freedom finding for an individual when it happens; hence the noise and ruckus.

The fruit of the Spirit is happening in your husbands life. Being the quiet one doesn't mean the Holy Spirit isn't actively working in your life , it is just different with everyone. To relax and enjoy the move of the Spirit without judging is critical. It is so easy to judge, but I can tell you , being black or white has nothing to do with this. The move of the Holy Spirit can result in split churches as some just can't take change, and don't feel its real. Don't judge it, accept it, trust your husband in this, it is not new for him. I am in Canada, in BC and this has come and gone many times over the last 20 years, same situation. VW

Answer 6

You really need to sit down and talk to your husband because being a ministers wife is no cake walk! As for the tongues thing read him this scripture

1 Corinthians 14

26What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church. 27If anyone speaks in a tongue, two—OR AT THE MOST THREE—should speak, ONE AT A TIME, and someone MUST interpret. 28If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God.

Answer 7

A few thoughts ....



'Different spiritual level' ... different spirituality. Not different level. There isn't a church on earth where belief and practice aren't shaped very largely by the human culture and tradition that church is located in. And I'm afraid that all the 'bible believing' churches and 'evangelical' churches and 'spirit filled' churches on the planet still follow this model. They contain error, ignorance and sin. Anyone reading the New Testament with an ounce of common sense would see we should expect this.



It's probably not realistic to expect the church to stop the screaming and shouting, though I would argue that the New Testament suggests something much more calm and orderly is appropriate for worship, and I would also argue that they should exercise consideration towards those who would find their behaviour intimidating. You need to quietly trust that your instincts on this are probably more biblical than theirs.



Speaking in tongues is another issue; although it's mentioned in Corinthians, the bible is otherwise silent about it. It is clearly not meant to be at the centre of the church's life and worship. Again, I'm afraid, you have to be realistic. People like their traditions, especially theological traditions, and I've never known a church as a whole to repent on something like this. The dynamic in worship, in many churches, is really more social than spiritual, and you just have to live with it.



'my husband ... has had a calling to get into ministry work' ... the New Testament says we are all ministers. A Christian with no ministry is inconceivable. Some may be called to 'full time ministry' or somesuch phrase, but even so, I would suggest rephrase what you said. Your husband has come to feel strongly that he should be in some sort of recognised leadership role. There could be a lot mistaken about that. Personally, I would suggest that a church that has any sort of 'Director', for youth work or whatever, is taking secular models of management and organisation and exalting them over biblical models. The central model for ministry that Jesus gave involved him laying aside his robe and taking a towel and washing his disciples' feet. The key ideas are of service and of self-humbling. There's no way you can do that and call yourself a Director. Shame on the church, I'm afraid, for following a secular, godless model.



Your husband may be supportive of you in all you do, but he's not being very supportive of you if he's allowing practices in his church to come between you and the normal, natural experience of worshipping alongside your husband. If you do worship elsewhere, that is going to undermine him, whether he likes it or not, and it is going to pull the two of you apart, and put temptation in your way. How are your children going to grow up? They will see the discrepancies and either be confused, or pulled towards one church rather than the other, or pushed away from church altogether. So frankly, if 'he says he's fine with you not going to church', he's sticking his head in the sand.



I don't think colour is an issue here. Directly comparable problems come up with couples who are both black, or both white, or who are Asian, or who are split beteween religions (Jew and Christian, for instance) or who are split between denominations (Presbyterian and Catholic, say).



I think the issue here is thinking.



You are clearly trying to think it through, but your husband (admittedly it's not a lot to go on from your question) seems to be avoiding hard questions about the worship at his church, about his 'calling' or ambition, about the nature of ministry, about your marriage, your children ... This is all theology. Unfortunately the one thing that most churches agree on in practice is that Christian life is a lot easier if we just try not to think too much about it.



If the two of you don't do some hard thinking, together. And I mean a lot of fundamental theology, as well as practicalities ... you're either not going to last together very long, or you're going to be miserable for the rest of your lives. That would be a shame for your children, and no advert for the gospel, either.



You have a responsibility to talk to your husband about these things and not let them be swept under the carpet. You need to be gracious in the way you do it, but you need to be tenacious too, because doing the hard work together is unavoidable if you're ever going to be happy, and if any ministry of his is ever going to be driven by more than selfish ambition.

Answer 8

Religion, like politics, is not something people should or even will necessarily agree on in order to love each other. If the church makes you feel uncomfortable, don't go. You have the right to be comfortable with your religious practices and still be able to love and support your husband. Its not a choice between one or the other.

Answer 9

Wow - doesn't sound like a good match between you and your jusband. You should not have to go to a church where you are uncomfortable. He should be able to pursue his interests without you having to be involved. And he should have some consideration for your feelings. It isn't like this weird church is the only church in town. He could find a more normal church where you are comfortable.

Answer 10

Personally, I think it's rediculous your husband would take a position in a church you're not even comfortable going to. I feel a married couple should find a church they are both comfortable in.That being said, it can't always be done. Sometimes one person likes a livelier church than the other... but I still think there's a church out there you could both be comfortable in, even if one of you likes it better than the other. I'd ask him to go with you to try other churches.

If all else fails, attend separate places... though it may not bode well for his job if they find out his wife doesn't even support their beliefs and practices.

Also discuss where your kids will attend if you require them to do so.

Answer 11

I have a, not exact - but similar situation. My husband is a Jehovah Witness and I am atheist. I celebrate holidays (not because of religious beliefs, but because I like holidays), his religion does not believe in holidays. This is how we handle the differences. We respect each other's beliefs or non-beliefs. I put up a Xmas tree every year and celebrate it with my kids (prev relationship), during our gift giving, my husband is in the other room doing his own thing. When my hubby wants to go to meetings for his religion, I go along for support, but do not participate (pray, sing, etc). It takes work and definite respect for each other, but the differences can be balanced if both parties are willing to be flexible and work together.

Answer 12

It is hard to feel comfortable in a hateful place full of hypocrites who think they can run your life while insulting you just because you are you. The only advice I have for you is to become an atheist and hopefully, your husband will follow suit.



Also, I hate those kind of churches too. I used to speak in tongues, and get pushed over against my will by the Pastors. The people are weird and hateful and worship Bush. I am now an atheist and they still try to convert me back into their stupid church. You need to leave and fast.

Answer 13

hey...i understand what you mean. My dad is a minister and I was raised in church so for me that stuff is'nt strange, but my husband who is catholic isnt used to it . Mass is very quiet and in perfect order. Very beatiful. My church like yours is loud and not in the same order every service which is fine also. My advice to you is to look up in the bible where it talks about speaking in tongues....the holy spirit..and any other subject that makes you uncomfortable. study it and just pray and ask God to give you a peace about it and also guidence on how to support your husband . I think its a wonderful thing when the man is ACTUALLY the spiritual leader of the home. Im praying God helps us be more that way. So also thank him for your husband and I hope Ive helped some what...Read Acts Chapter 2 verses 1-4 it tells how the holy spirit came on the apostles at pentecost and they spoke in tongues. Which is the holy spirit praying to God for you . God bless hun.

Answer 14

My first inclination is to say try to roll with it...but I think the deeper spiritual thing here is that your way of expressing your faith is much more internal than the congregation.



I certainly would caution against impeding your husbands calling. You seem to know his faith is genuine and growing...definately encourage that...just think of all the woman who have no spiritual support at all from their husbands, no leadership.



I would just be aware that all people express their faith in different ways...I am an internal person as well, doesn't mean the Lord doesn't use me and give me vitality when it is needed, just means I'm not a jumper or screamer. Try to focus on your relationship with Christ and ask him to give you...tolerance...acceptance for the way your congregation expresses its joy, conviction. You are no less spiritual and the Lord loves you just the way you are, so there is no need to change or fake it.



Hope this helps

Answer 15

First of all, do not worry. Your personal spiritual beliefs are just that, Personal. You do not have to "match" your spouse's beliefs. He loves you and you him. You do believe in his God, you are mostly there already. And if Anybody gives you grief, you can use The First Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians to fall back on:

"You see, the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through the husband. " 1 Corinthians 7:14



Good luck.

Answer 16

Don't go to your husband's church. The same thing happened to me with my friends. All of them prostestants of different kinds of worship. Me Catholic. I felt uncomfortable at every worship service. Believe me, it isn't worth putting yourself through!

Answer 17

i feel a little embarased. i dont feel very comfortable either, it is not how the bible teaches to behave.

i'm sure the bible teaches reverance and also teachers how conduct should go in church.

what religion is this, it pentocostal.... i think they have a reputation wheni it comes to speakingin tongues and colourful in church behaviour.



i must at first say it is very excellent that your husband is happy with you not going to church on occassion, thats lovely.

i think you should take this time to read your new testament. it is the important one with St Pauls ministry which is a powerful teaching in christian behaviour at church at home and with the family and in general.

i would say read a King James Version of the bible and i'd say read Matthew first and corinthians galatians ephesians then Hebrews, making notes of questioning points as the bible in the new testament says the wife is to do.



i have seen many new christian groups with similar behaviour, it is not for me and not in the bible. The bible is opur guide and reading Psalms daily as the bible teaches will reasure you and guide you in worship and prayer and meditation when you stay at home.



Me and my brother as youth growing up at times stayed at home a did our mother. it was nice at times, we played christian music and read christian books at times, or watched a christian video for teachings and sabbath keeping.

its good you realise you need to take time out, it sounds like your husband knows you support him and stand by him. it can be hard acclimatising to new surroundings and behaviour.

take your time, thank God your not throwing yourself to the floor and giving yourself away cheaply.there is much to be aware of... i have read the bible state we must be aware and not speak Evil, but it also speaks on how to conduct speaking in tongues....if that is what it is.



you can use bible gateway to surf quickly the bible for reference, but be awareof the version you are using, please use the king james version, it is the best one on there.



This website is useful, you can choose between version of the bible to read. www.biblegateway.com

i must say that the King JamesVersion is the least wattered down version, in my church it is the one we used.



in the old testament, Isaiah was read by Jesus in the temple on the Sabbath, Proverbs, Song of Solomon, Jeremiah and Genesis and Exodus as well as St Davids story in Samuel through to Kings.



The last few books of the bible after Hebrews are an amazing read, you can read these whenever, they are very good and made me sit up and be serious.



i find revelation a revalation and good to know before reading the new testament again as you wish at your own speed, the bible is the book to guide you through your whole life, it is a nice read and your husband sounds lik he is in a good position to help you.



I must also advise that Romans chapter 1 and 2 is very very powerful and should be read patiently, Romans is about Pauls sacrifice, as is The book of Job, its a long suffering testimony, but i am not hinting to you to soften you, the bible says patience worketh perfection and there are teachings in the bible that mention the bond of man and wifethrough difficulties, you sound a lovely woman and a loyal and kind wife. God bless you.



i'll gladly reply to you if you want on denominational issue... there are many types of chrisianity.... May God be with you.

Answer 18

Only do what makes you comfortable. If partaking in this church makes you feel uncomfortable then don't go. If your husband doesn't understand then that is on him, he needs to take care of his families needs and wants first and foremost.

Answer 19

I certainly understand your concern. Your husband has fallen victim of fundamentalist Christian radicals and thankfully, you have not. I would suggest that you express your discomfort to him in no uncertain terms and see how he reacts. If he truly loves you and his family, he will not subject you all to this harmful environment.



Get this out in the open before it festers and infects your entire family.

Answer 20

If he has said that he's fine with you staying out of this, then you should. Why not treat it like his poker night?



It may be that he will feel freer to express himself, jump up and down etc. out of your presence.

Answer 21

Did you ever wonder why you feel uncomfortable, I would too if I were you, you should talk to your husband about it.

Answer 22

let him do what he feels...support him and be there for him but you dont have to be like him just because you are married to him

Answer 23

Pentecostal. I would have hard time too!

You are asked to follow your husband in spiritual matters,do Gods will you will be blessed!

Answer 24

If your husband was a lawyer, does that mean that you like laws? If he's a cashier, does that mean that you like counting money?

Just think of it as his job. It doesn't mean that you have to get involved in it.

Answer 25

Seek Him and you will find peace

Answer 26

Dont go then. Simple as. There is no point in you being there if you dont beleive.

I am spritiual and dont believe in a 'higher' being. Its stupid