Wow, Pixie. I’m really sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. It sounds like you are a true survivor.
I’m also sorry you’re taking crap from people about your current living situation. Technically, maybe they’re right (the ideal of marriage is the right one), but they are not really loving you as a person. They don’t seem to care to find out why you are in this situation, they don’t offer to help, they don’t even just sit down and listen. (Instead, they drop little comments as ways to manipulate you, out of guilt.)
Well, the fact that you are taking their remarks seriously, despite how you could easily justify what you’ve done, shows to me at least that you have a good heart and that you really want to do what is right.
Ideally, yeah, it would be best not to live together until marriage. Some people don’t see the problem, but that’s simply because any negative results are cumulative and long-term, while there’s enough short-term benefit to cover up any problems.
One reason behind this was to lay a firm foundation for the family, to protect the rights of the wife, as well as any children who would be born. Before dependable birth control was prominent (and genetic testing could prove parentage), the woman would most likely bear children, while the man always had the opportunity to “skip town” if he wearied of the relationship and leave them to fend for themselves. Marriage lays a legal foundation for both parents to take responsibility.
Marriage also provides an anchor to steady the relationship in times of emotional struggle. It’s a commitment that binds you together. Every marriage goes through rough spots, and people need something to cling to as reinforcement, in order to stick it out long enough for the relationship to deepen. Without it, people would quit rather than change and grow.
Marriage provides emotional security. Idealistically, you should feel as if your relationship is a safe haven for you; and if it is, your partner should be willing to formally commit to that.
And, if you are a Christian, then there’s the idea that marriage is the real joining of two spirits, not just physically but in every way. You are sort of “already joined” and cannot extricate yourself as easily as an informal living arrangement suggests. To do so will cause heavy emotional and spiritual damage and make intimacy harder with someone else later. If you are living as if you were married, then make it official and commit to it.
What I would do? If other living arrangements are possible and marriage is not impending, I’d live elsewhere until I was married. If that’s not feasible, then I would get serious about deciding whether or not you two will marry, and go ahead with it.
Pray (w/ your bf) that God would give you a clear indication of what to do and provide another place for you to live, if that’s what should happen right now. Pray about the possibility of marriage.
I would also find someone to confide in about your abusive parent. Even a survivor has picked up “wrong ideas” about who they are and what is healthy for a relationship; it has no doubt impacted you in more ways than you realize. Don’t put yourself down or take an unfair burden on yourself: Take care of yourself and find some support.
In any case, Pixie, please don’t call yourself as a bad person. That’s your mother (or whomever abused you) talking… it’s not God talking, and it’s simply not true.
When I read your question, I see someone who is compassionate to others (even those who might not deserve it) and really wants to do the right thing in this situation, despite any inconvenience to herself.
You’re human, and seeking… and that’s okay.