Which is more damaging to the human spirit: Homelessness or living with daily emotional abuse from spouse?

Question

Wife not working for last 8 months due to recurring illnesses. Husband moves his 5 (yes FIVE) step kids into home 6 mo ago. Wife does all homework, PTA, supervision of the kids etc. Oldest step kid is 22/adult and got job 2 months ago. Husband still constantly stresses about rent, basic utilities, food, and finances. While visiting her I overhear the following...Wife asks husband if 22 YO is helping him with bills. Husband tells her, “You have no job and bring no money to this house so, you have no right to know how much money my child is giving to this house. And anyway I’m not going to charge him a dime for anything. He is free to give me whatever he wants or not but what he gives me is not your concern.” Is this emotional abuse? Should she just go to homeless shelter since she has no money/place to go to get away from this "man"? What would you do/think if you were the wife in this situation?

Answer 1

queen a, you sound so misguided.

Answer 2

You don't necessarily have to end up being homeless. I was in an abusive situation too. Yes. I believe you should get out for your own good. Your "husband' obviously does not value you or see you as a partner so why are you there. The 22 year old is contributing to the household which is good but you are told it's not your business. Aren't you the wife? It's your business. If you feel you are being abused go with your gut and get out. I left with 3 children and nothing else and I became independent and much better off.

Answer 3

it sounds somewhat demeaning to me and abusive, but the homeless shelters are usually open nights. if she has worked long enough she could try to get disability and find a cheap place to live meanwhile she could find a family member or friend to stay with if she wants to leave. telling him I can't stay where I don't feel loved and I'm mistreated all the time a family step children or not is suppose to help each other out when hard times hit. not put each other down and demean them making them feel worthless just because they are ill..house work is work too. along with errands.and raising his step children and the key word is step children from a previous marriage they're not even his biologicaly. the 22 year old belongs out on his own having a life not sponging off of everyone this isn't helping anyone build chacter and getting any abition and life direction and initation at all he will not know what the real world is like much at all.

Answer 4

Does this woman have ANY friends or family she can go to? Is this man physically abusing her? Can she take a stand and say "I will not do all the homework and I demand to be treated with respect!" What kind of illnesses does she have? And is the house he moved the 5 kids into HER house? There are many factors. If she needs to leave she would be better off with friends or family than a shelter, but try to find her a Woman's Shelter and not a homeless one, those can be dangerous.



(These Jesus people are annoying as hell. I have not seen one Hindu saying "Find Vishnu! Then you will be saved!" Finding God doesn't help, you have to help yourself! Even God says that!)

Answer 5

Sister, you have every right to ask your husband these questions, His money is your money too, When you married him, you also accept his kids, But a 22 yr. old should be on their own, You or your husband are not obligated to support them if they are above age.. It is one thing if a above age child hits hard times, But if they are going to live with you, they should help pay rent. Yes your husband is abusing you to a point. As long as it isn't physical abuse, try to endure it. But give your husband a time limit to tell his 22 yr. Old you have 30 days to find a place to live or start to help on bills. If you don't, they will be living free off of you & your husband until they retire. I know I have been there. Many thinks that a woman can not put her foot down against her husband, Yes she can to a certain point. Did Not Sarah tell Abraham to get Ismeal out of her house, Because the promise was to Isaacc. Sister use CS(common sense) in this.

Answer 6

well to begin with i would never charge my child either and i do understand that if your not able to accept the responsibility of having 5 step children dont marry someone that has 5 children from a previous relationships and if this person is able to do so much with the children why can they not work in some capacity and in final a homeless shelter is gonna be a bad idea because u just dont go there and live they expect you to find employment and you are woke up and put out to walk and find work everyday so if this person is truely that sick theyll have much more on there plate than a unthoughtful staement to contend with if they decide the homeless shelter to go to and if you are that concerned id say you call her a friend why would you let her go to a shelter instead of extending an invitation for her to stay with you it is much easier to look at faults in a persons relationship and criticise a spouses comments and actions as long as it dosent impact your own life so in final ythought unless your willing to help her yourself dont try to advise her or tell her such things as i wouldnt take that cause in the end evidentaly she is gonna have to live with her decisions not you

Answer 7

I think the husband is putting his step children AHEAD of his wife. I am a bit concerned that these stressors in their life will break them apart. So many questions could be asked. Is it abuse? It was ONE incident you witnessed. Abuse is usually an ongoing thing with real mental and/or physical intimidation.



Here are some points to consider:



Not your business, you are not in the home, your view is limited.

Since there are "step" children, then we have previous marriages to consider....maybe he cannot keep a woman long? Who really knows?

Does she give as good as she gets?

Is this husband BOUND by a vow to a dead wife to care for these children or has he made some promise which you are unaware to see to the needs of these?



There is just too many variables I do not know about. If you are really, really concerned for this woman, ask her privately if she is doing OK in this relationship. You do not have to detail that you suspect abuse, she would just tell hubby and if that was a one time incident, they would be laughing at YOU for thinking that.



If I were you, I would express my concern privately to the woman and then let her know if she needs to talk, you are available. AND then YOU do not share all you know with everyone you know! Be a trusted keeper of the truth for this woman and let her kKNOW all info STOPS with YOU. Then hold yourself to it.

Answer 8

At least she has a family that allows her to make friends. Some women don't even have that. I'll assume you're her friend.... Okay, so it's the women who say they're not "allowed" who really aren't allowing themselves by affecting--and sticking to--household changes, no matter what happens. BUT.



It's possible her recurring illness is due to reactions to the husband and all the stress in her life. He's not taking care of her...and she's not taking care of herself either by allowing it to go on.



Counseling? Reaching out to Christians for friendship or a job?



I found that sick or not, I have to try to have a job and continue in college. Hope that helps a bit. Still waiting on friends....

Answer 9

Well you are talking about one isolated incident, but the tone sets one to believe that it happens a lot. I would say she needs a friend to take her in until she gets a job, place of her own. If I was the wife and had NO other option I think I would choose to stay there. If you think about it- living on the streets you suffering emotional, physical abuse (rape, assaults,etc). Staying there is emotional abuse yes, and it is wrong, but if she can not get a friend to take her in I would say she is better off living there, rather than on the streets.

Answer 10

Charge the husband for the housekeeping and care of "his" children. Give him a bill and demand restitution.



No, this is not emotional abuse, this is a man completely stressed out who does not want a fight with his wife over something he feels guilty about (his guilt over his son, for whatever reason that is). She perhaps picked the wrong time to ask him, like when outside visitors are there. Maybe she should arrange a relaxing evening for him first, then rationally discuss the bills and who is responsible, etc.



Her problem is not him emotionally abusing her, her problem is that she's picked the absolute wrong time to discuss it. She should never bring up a delicate issue of bills in front of someone like you.

Answer 11

Both are! This woman is suffering from spousal abuse. She may not be bringing any money into the home, but she is providing a vital service. I would choose homelessness over living with this abuse. But there are other alternatives. I hope she gets the help she so desperately needs.

Answer 12

As a Christian husband and father of 3 step kids, that guy needs a serious beating. If it was possible for her, she should stop taking care of anything. Also it sounds like he is an alcoholic or worse, men don't usually fret over bills unless they are worried about having enough money for their addiction.

Answer 13

I would have to say that the daily emotion abuse would be the bad one. Cause homelessness is more of a choice now the beening put there, plus you can put homelessness be hind you and say that you moved on. With abuse it will be with you for the reast of your life in your head, and knowing that changes a person.

Answer 14

this is a sad situation as the needs of the entire family need to be considered. there are plenty of agencies who under these conditions might be able to help relieve the stress and strain of the family. they should ask various governmental agencies if they qualify for such assistance and if so take advantage of same until the stress level is reduced and the finances improve.

Answer 15

as they are not her own children .. this burden really shouldnt be on her without the help of the husband

and yes the 22 YO should be contributing to the household .. how else is he going to learn the value of money ?

but my question is .. is it you who has a problem with this .. or your friend ?

because if she chooses this , then it really is up to her

but if she is unhappy then of course she should get out

you say you are visiting her ... i take it you are friends ?

as a friend , couldnt she stay with you rather than go to a homeless shelter ?

Answer 16

What a mess! I think if it were me in that situation I would get out of there. A couple months of working even the lowest paying jobs and she will have an apartment, and a new life.

Answer 17

Sounds more than money problems..when 2 people love one other..riches or poo-res they work together...homeless shelters are dangerous anywhere..and only sleep there then your on the street in the morning...no you need to threaten to get a divorce ..remember that's your house..too...

Answer 18

living with the spouse: I am a recovered addict and I have been both. however Gods love carried me through them both, and my wife is now my best friend instead of my bane of existance. If you have to get out then pray first let God lead you don`t let your head lead you. my wife and I will be praying for you . but I would seek the shelter

Answer 19

I don't know - I haven't been in either situation...

But i can only imagine that each thinks the other is worse...

She does more than her fair share and that should be considered a job in itself!

Answer 20

tell ur friend to get out of there as soon as possible.....no doubt he is using her disability and treating her like ****...she doesnt deserve this one bit....



she can start off with any kind of job.....low payin and awful at first maybe..but it will et better as she goes on...thank god she has no kids of her own..else it could have bin more complicated....



she should begin a new life....

Answer 21

threaten to leave, despite the illness. Be prepared to follow thru if things don't improve; which means yur outa there. good luck.

Answer 22

depending on your recurring illness.. you maybe eligable for s.s.i..and medicade.. check with social sucurity office near you or go online and check .. if you really feel the need 2 go it maybe your plane ticket out of there..

Answer 23

i don't know but may the good God bless and strenghtens her. may God also show the man the love to love her more than ever and may God have mercy on the man's soul...thru Christ... amen.

Answer 24

sometimes i feel like running away... but you just cant

Answer 25

Not having Jesus Christ in your life

Answer 26

deal with it. god made man to rule over women.