What is the real Mormon view on family and relationship generally? Any informed Mormon there?

Question

I thought I would look into Mormonism despite the largely negative public misconceptions about it.... I am a student of theology who does not believe in dogmas of any kind. Experiences have taught me that the majority of people readily believe whatever sounds good and know actually very little about the historicity and theoretical/theological principles of their own religion or other religions. I recently encountered two Mormon missionaries (those serious-looking young guys in black you see almost everywhere) and I had a brief conversation with them. It seemed to me they are fairly reasonable polite people. And of course they invited me to study more with them. In my personal reading, I do find certain Mormon writings intellectually motivating and coinciding with some of my long-held personal speculations about spirituality... My habit is I would research to get all the information about something before I really take time out of my busy schedule for it.... I soon figured there is a lot of inaccurate smearing of Mormon doctrines among the public and thus I hope anyone here could give me a more accurate, objective explanation.... Since I am a single female in my 20s, I am particularly concerned if the general assumption about Mormon belief/practice on family is true.... I am not talking about the issue of polygamy among Mormons, which has already been effectively demystified by many people.... What I want to find out is how tolerant the Mormons really are towards singles like me who have absolutely no interest in dating and marriage issues. It's not because I uphold any puritanical beliefs when it comes to human sexuality, but I am just one of those peculiar individuals who are "assexual," who are just unable to feel attracted to anyone and as a positive result, I can focus more effectively on mental things..... I have always liked "testing the water" of those religious study circles. As I said, I am a student of theology and I study religion in an informed manner. I know many commonly held assumptions about Judeo-Christianity are just not true for no religion can be taken out of its socio-political context. One time I was actually thrown out of a fundamentalist Christian group as I frankly said there is no way I will buy that "women achieving grace and salvation only through marriage and husband" stuff. And if the Mormons are the same as those fundamentalists, I surely do not want to waste my time picking up another fight... So far in my life my most intellectually and spiritually fulfilling studies have always been in the company of Bahais, even though I still don't see Bahai-o-llah as a "prophet" in the way they see it.... Therefore I am just curious....

Answer 1

We recognize and respect the fact that marriage is not for everyone. We knew a single sister who could not find a suitable companion through no fault of her own and felt terrible about not being married. She was still fully accepted in fellowship and in the church.



It is interesting that single sisters can actually serve in some areas where single men cannot (as adults over 30), such as a mission. A single sister can go on a mission at any age. A single man can only serve a mission while they are under 30. It is the same in the temple. A single sister can serve in any capacity in the temple at any age, but a single man cannot.

Answer 2

Many of the things that a couple of people said concerning women and the Mormon Church were taken way out of context or made up. Women are highly respected in the Church. If you go to www.lds.org, type in Women and the Church, or just women, in the search you will find hundreds of sources that talk about women. The responsibilities that women have in the Church are very different than those of the men and if you asked me, I would rather not have the responsibility of the men. There are organizations specifically for women in the church as there are for men. The Relief Society, the women's organization of the Church and The Young Women's organization. As for marriage, it is completely up to you. The Church does teach that marriage is essential to bring about children. I have many friends who cannot have children, I have many friends who are not married and probably won't. The great thing about the Church is that we have the right to choose. Yes, the church does teach about eternal progression and the importance of marriage, but it also teaches that not everyone will get married and it will not keep you from receiving all the blessings that married people will receive. Yes, the church does talk a lot about the role of the men and the priesthood but much of what they tell the men is that they need to respect women. Yes, there is a belief that there is a Heavenly Mother just as there is a Heavenly Father, but she is not talked about out of respect, not because other religions don't believe it. The Mormons believe a lot of things that other religions do not believe, that doesn't stop them from teaching it.

I think it is great that you want to have an open discussion about this topic but on the down side you will have many people who have twisted what the Mormons believe into something terrible. Quoting my dad, "If you want to buy a Ford, you don't go and ask a Honda dealer" If you want to know what the Mormons believe, go and ask a Mormon. Any link entitled ex-mormons, polygamy, or anything relating to "I hate Mormons", is not the best source to look for the answers you have asked.

There are many who would love to help with you questions. There are the missionaries, the bishop, or you can even go to a Relief Society class and have an open discussion there or ask the Relief Society President. Other good places to look are the church websites on the internet. Again, one of the sites is www.lds.org, and another one is www.mormons.org. Hopefully some of what I have said has helped, but really like I said earlier, if you want to know about Mormon beliefs, ask a Mormon who regularly goes to church and has a testimony of what they believe.

Answer 3

As others have said, you need to focus more on your repentance process and less on not letting people know what you did. I know it's hard to disappoint your parents, who were counting on you and trusting you to do the right thing, but they are there to support you and you'll feel like you're lying to them if you don't take care of what you need to do without regard to their knowledge of it. That said, your repentance process is your own, between you, your bishop, and Heavenly Father. No two situations are alike, and the necessary steps are not always the same. The first step is to truly recognize what you did was wrong, and to forsake the sin. That means that, even if it hurts, you may have to make some decisions about what's important to you with regards to your girlfriend. Only you can determine this, but you have to change your behavior if you expect to fully repent. As to serving a mission, that will be up to your priesthood leadership. If they feel you are truly repentant, and can move forward, they very well may let you serve. I've known young men who were able to, and I've known those who were not. Some were delayed for a time until their repentance process was complete. Not everyone is excommunicated, or even disfellowshipped. That's a determination your bishop will have to make. Keep moving forward. This seems monumental right now, but you can get past it and receive forgiveness if you are sincere in your desire to put your life back on the right track.

Answer 4

If you're an academic, you probably would enjoy the following book: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Eternity-Zion-Valerie-Hudson/dp/1555177433. I'm a single, faithful Latter-Day Saint career girl and fellow academic. I admit that I struggled with the question of marriage and the position of women in the church. This book does an excellent good job of explaining the LDS position, and I know the author personally.



To answer your original question, yes marriage is central to LDS doctrine, but as others have already stated, you would not be required to marry simply for the sake of marrying. I'm not asexual, but I'm older and not yet married, and I don't feel like I have been denied any blessings or not given any opportunities because of that fact.



Truly, any comments in this forum about women being "repressed" by the doctrines of the church is totally false. Culturally, some men (as men everywhere--in ALL religions, in ALL places, and across ALL age groups) are dismissive of the role of women, but this behavior is absolutely NOT condoned by the church. One of the presidents of the church, Howard Hunter, talked about this at our October General Conference meeting in 1994 (you see see his talk here: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=bacd3ff73058b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1).



Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Mormonism teaches that without a temple marriage (either in this life or the next) you will not be able to attain the highest level of "heaven." Women who are single and/or childless not by choice are sometimes (perhaps even often) pitied. If you voluntarily choose not to marry or have children you will be questioned about your motives.

I have never wanted children, and while I was actively mormon I was told that the prophet wanted me to have children, that I should pray for the desire to have them, that I was selfish, etc. I can only speak from my own experience, so take that for what it's worth.



Added: Please don't buy the baloney that women are "honored" in the LDS church. Another answer was correct in that 12-year-old boys have more authority in the church than grown women. Women have NO leadership positions over men. They are taught that motherhood is their calling and what makes them important. Girls are encouraged to marry a worthy priesthood holder in the temple and have his children, not to have a career if that's what they really want.

If that sounds appealing to you, go for it. It definitely wasn't for me.

Answer 6

To add my two cents to what everyone else has said, if you find someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, then marry him. If not, then don't get married. Don't force a marriage to happen with someone you don't love, but don't fight any feelings you may have for another single guy, either. Just live your life the best you can. In other words, experience as much joy and happiness as possible, even in hard times. I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ offers this because I've tried it out (and I'm still trying it out) and I have been receiving such promised blessings.

Answer 7

Hi friend. I should say that your thoughtful approach to theology would be very well accepted in many Mormon circles. You sound like the kind of person who would enjoy certain Mormon blogs, like http://timesandseasons.org/ and http://www.bycommonconsent.com/ . These blogs are somewhat theologically liberal, but not so much so that they are unorthodox. Take a look in case you're interested.



Marriage is very important not only in Mormon culture but also in Mormon theology. We do not teach that women can only obtain grace and salvation through their husbands; we teach that both husband and wife need each other to progress in the next life.



There is an important caveat, though. Leaders of the Church have stated that those who through no fault of their own cannot marry in this life will be denied no blessings in the next life. The implication is that these will receive the sacred ordinance of marriage in the next life. If you are aware of the Mormon concept of vicarious ordinances, I think that will make sense to you. If not, take a look at http://www.allaboutmormons.com/mormon_beliefs_family_temple.php#TempleWork



The classic example of those who should not marry in this life are those who struggle with same-sex attraction. Those homosexuals who choose to be active Mormons (and there are probably tens of thousands of them) are not expected to marry in this life. Now I realize that asexuality and homosexuality are very different things, but one could argue that someone who is asexual should not marry, and that they are not at all at fault for their asexuality, using the same kinds of arguments.



Of course, if the right guy should come along, let me assure you that marriage can be even more intellectually and spiritually fulfilling than academia, and I say that as an academic. However, if you feel no attraction through no fault of your own, I think you should probably not marry.



The above considerations are purely theological/doctrinal. Culturally speaking, Mormons love marriage and will probably often ask you if you're seeing anyone. However, Mormon culture is just like any other human culture. It is flawed. What is important, at least from my perspective, is that we do our best to follow the doctrine, and not worry unnecessarily about cultural concerns.



Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.

Answer 8

Our church has a large program for single adults. Of course, the ideal situation is marriage and family, but no one is encouraged to marry just to be married. If you find someone who you can marry, who you can be compatible with, you should marry. Of course, marriage is serious business nad should not be entered into without a lot of preparation. I attended the funeral of a sister in our ward who was a widow (she left two teen age sons, friends of my sons). In the eulogy, her marriage was discussed. At first, it sounded like the most unromantic merger of all time. But, this couple took marriage seriously. They made sure that their marriage was a true partnership. In waiting until after they were married for the romance part, they fell totally and completely in love. It was such a beautiful thing to hear about. Their sons knew how much in love their parents were, and when their mother died, they knew that it was because she needed to be with her husband. They were sad, of course, but they also seemed to accept what happened. They knew how much their parents loved them.

So, don't feel like you should be pressured to do something you aren't comfortable with. If you joined our church and felt like people were pressuring you, just consider the source. And don't let them get you down. It's YOUR life and you sound like you know yourself well. What you do is between you and God and no one else.

God bless.

Answer 9

I don't believe it is good for a man or women to be alone, but I don't believe it is good to marry someone who you don't love either.



One of the reasons that we are born into this life is to learn how to love and be loved, in my opinion. You are lovable as you are, because you are a daughter of God, and have great potential. The faith of a mustard seed is the faith to grow. Where you are right now is not your ultimate destination; you have not reached your full potential. The spirit of the Holy Ghost changes those who accept it - I have seen this over and over again, and have felt its influence in my own life. A person is not truly "born again" until they receive the spirit of the Holy Ghost, in my opinion. A person must be baptized by water and fire. The baptism of fire is the baptism of the Holy Ghost (no real flames are involved!). The gift of the Holy Ghost is a wonderful gift, and it has blessed my life immeasurably.



You don't know what your full potential is, but the spirit of the Holy Ghost does, and it will help you find it, if you are willing. Take the missionary discussions. They will teach you how to gain a testimony of the truth. When you are baptized, you will recieve the gift of the Holy Ghost, and it will lead you for the rest of your life; it will teach you all things that you need to do, in order to meet your full potential as a daughter of God.

Answer 10

Since you like to study - study up on Sheri Dew. She's a single lady in her 60s[?] who was the General Relief Society President, wrote the biographies of Ezra Taft Benson & Gordon B Hinckley, and is the head of Deseret Book Publishing.

IMHO, there is not another religion which enobles and empowers women as does the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Answer 11

There is no place for single women in the church. You will pitied and/or reviled. The only way to enter the highest level of the celestial kingdom is by being married.

Answer 12

I've seen Mormon family life from both sides. The biggest problem for most is that Mormons are encouraged to put religion above family in many decisions - like paying tithing instead of taking care of your family.



The entire purpose of Mormon life is to progress towards becoming Godlike. You do that by marrying in the temple for time and eternity. If you don't do that, you can't get the level of heaven where you can be with God.



Most people wouldn't think they were in any kind of heaven without God there, but Mormons assure you that you will be happy in some lower level, presumably as servants to the married worthy.



Single people have no place in this scheme, and the pressure to marry is intense. Single ex mormons report terrible treatment - certainly not from everyone, but from too many. Instead of going to their local church, they are often assigned to singles-only wards that function as meat markets. In regular wards they are passed over for choice assignments. One woman told me she and other singles were asked to eat at a dinner after the married women.



Mormon women have been conditioned to accept that their husbands have the priesthood and they don't, so they must rely on his judgment in many areas. It leaves them distrustful of other women in my experience. Even a 12 year old boy has more priesthood than any woman.



The Relief Society, the main women's organization, has its budget controlled by men. They have no real power in the church. There are many positions and callings that are closed to women, even though the positions don't require priesthood. No woman can be ward clerk, or pass the sacrament for example. It's all very segregated and bureaucratic.

Answer 13

If you don't buy into the '"women achieving grace and salvation only through marriage and husband" stuff' then steer clear of the Mormon church.



One must be married in the LDS temple and then obey all of the Mormon regulations to get to the highest degree of heaven. The first time a Mormon attends the temple endowment ceremony he/she will be given a new name [usually a Bible name like Peter or Mary or the name of European royalty]. These will supposedly be their names in eternity. The wife must tell her husband her new name, and no one else, as he is supposed to call her up in the resurrection. If he does not call her up she would still resurrect, but not as his wife. Once she is in heaven with her husband she has the dubious honor of bearing his spirit children for eternity. (IOW, she is eternally pregnant.)http://www.utlm.org/onlineresources/resurrectwife.htm



Mormons believe that each of us have a heavenly mother but church leaders discourage discussion of this doctrine as it is so far out of mainstream Christian belief.



A Mormon Housewife writes a letter to her Bishop: "A year ago, as I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting on Mother's Day, it suddenly dawned on me that all of the talks, all of the talks, were in commemoration of the priesthood. I could not believe my ears. I thought to myself, "This is not happening. They would not do this to us. Here we have one day--one day out of the year on which it is legitimate to focus on women, on the powers of the female, possibly on the eternal and theological implications of motherhood, and instead we devote that day to honoring the priesthood? Surely this is not happening." http://www.i4m.com/think/comments/mormon_women.htm



"'I think no more of taking a wife than I do of buying a cow,' was one of Heber Kimball's delicate remarks. made from the stand in the Tabernacle to a congregation of several thousand. Most of his hearers thought even less of it, for they would have had to pay money for the cow; and as for the other, he had only to throw his handkerchief to some girl, and she would pick it up and follow him." Ann-Eliza Snow, Wife No. 19, Chapter 17, "Taking a Wife and Buying a Cow," online at http://www.polygamyinfo.com/wife19_book_ch17.htm



"Tonight I am attending with a son, sons-in-law, and grandsons. Where are their mothers? Gathered in the kitchen of our home! What are they doing? Making large batches of homemade doughnuts! And when we return home, we will feast on those doughnuts. While we enjoy them, these mothers, sisters, and daughters will listen intently as each of us speaks of things he learned here tonight. It’s a nice family tradition, symbolic of the fact that everything we learn and do as priesthood bearers should bless our families." Apostle Russell M. Nelson, ""Our Sacred Duty to Honor Women," Ensign, May 1999



Here is an interesting article about women in the Mormon church by a non-Mormon college student: http://www.exmormon.org/mormwomn.htm

Answer 14

I think you have presented an interesting question. One that must be approached from different angles for a proper explanation. To begin I would suggest the following. It is called 'The Family:A Proclamation to the World'

Here it is:



We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.



All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.



In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.



The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.



We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.



Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.



The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.



We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.



We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.



This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.



From here you would need to study the principal of revelation and authority to administer in the name of God within the LDS religion.